


As It Is

by Emmuzka



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Brain Damage, Burnout - Freeform, Drama, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Permanent Injury, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 19:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4233711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmuzka/pseuds/Emmuzka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Sometimes Jamie smirked or made a gesture that was exactly the same as it had been before, and for a second, it felt wonderful. For that second, the old Jamie was back. </i><br/>After a terrible accident, Jamie, Jordie and Tyler struggle to find a common ground.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As It Is

**Author's Note:**

> For possible triggers, read further tag explanations in the end notes.

Jordie loved his brother. It was just that he had to especially remind himself of it, nowadays.

“What did you do with the meds I gave you, Jamie?” Jordie was again in the last thread of his patience with Jamie. This was what he had wanted, right? To get Jamie home from the rehab place. Familiar home, familiar routines, it was supposed to be good for him. Good for them both.

Jamie kept stubbornly silent, biting his lip.

"Jamie!" Jordie let Jamie hear the anger in his voice.

"I... I threw them away. I didn't eat them."

"Jamie what the hell!" Jordie made an angry gesture. Jamie flinched. "You'll have to take them! Do you want to have seizures, Jamie? Do you want to have migraines?!"

"No, I..." Jamie was obviously fighting to sit there calm. "They taste bad, and they make me feel funny."

Hadn’t anything stayed what they’d tried to tell him? "You stupid... Okay, here is what we are going to do from now on. From now on, I'm going to give you your pills, and I'm going to watch you take them at every morning and dinner. Do you understand?”

"Yes..."

Jordie took the bottles from the cabinet, slamming the doors. Jamie swallowed down the tears that threatened to come as Jordie grabbed his hand and shook the right amount of medication on Jamie’s palm. 

"Now take them. And eat your food, too."

"Can I-." Jamie was supposed to take the pills with water and wash his mouth after taking his medication, otherwise the lingering taste would taint anything he ate after that. 

"No! Take your pills, and then you eat your whole plate clean. You'll sit there until then."

Jamie nodded, miserable.

"Okay, take your pills."

Jamie dropped the pills onto the table and then slowly picked them up, one by one, and swallowed them down dry, his Adam’s apple bobbing.

Jordie got even more annoyed by Jamie's slowness and the sniffs he couldn’t hold anymore. 

"Are you crying?"

"N-no..." 

"Why are you crying? There is nothing to cry about!"

Jamie tried to hurry up with the pills, but he just couldn't swallow them any faster, in the fear that he might puke them.

Jordie finally threw his hands up. "What the hell do I care, anyway? Be a baby about it! I'll go watch tv. And don't you dare to move before you have cleaned your plate!"

Jamie was left in the kitchen, staring at his dinner, silent tears running down his cheeks. 

Jordie was so fucking tired. He was tired of being scared, of Jamie never ever recovering from his accident, of Jamie acting like a kid and himself punishing him for it like a bad parent. 

It was just too much, sometimes. And everyone kept saying what a wonderful brother he was for wanting to help Jamie, but sometimes he just wasn’t. He wasn’t his fucking parent, either. 

Nowadays, when Jamie was frustrated or angry, he destroyed or hide things. If he wanted closeness and reassurance, he came straight to people to ask for a hug, or if he wasn’t sure about Jordie’s mood, he’d pretend to fall so Jordie would catch him. If only Jordie could be that straightforward with expressing his emotions. But he was the adult here, so Jordie would keep his real thoughts on himself.

Jordie got an hour of relative peace before he heard the front door open. It had to be Tyler, no-one but Tyler and he had the keys.

He heard a low conversation from the kitchen, but refused to react to it. Even hearing Jamie’s hesitant mumbling from the distance got him on edge. 

Jordie kept his eyes on tv while Tyler obviously escorted Jamie to his room to sleep. After that, he didn’t have to wait for long.

Tyler was on it tonight, straight walking to Jordie’s face. “What the fuck did you do, Jordie?” Tyler hissed at him, his voice low but eyes blazing. "He is not a child!”

Jordie left his seat and faced Tyler. “He isn't? Then why is he both stupid and immature! He acts like a kid!”

Tyler recoiled from Jordie’s insult like he’d been physically slapped. “He is a grown man! It just takes him a longer time to make justified decisions.” Jordie wondered if Tyler himself believed that. “It’s just that abstract thinking is harder for him now. He makes childish decisions because no-one guides him through them.”

“Abstract decisions? He threw his meds away because he didn’t like their taste!”

“And you made it better by practically forcing them down his throat and making him cry?!”

Jordie sat back down, his wind suddenly gone. “Why can’t he just be like before? This is so fucking-.” Jordie made wild gestures. Nothing specific, just vaguely violent. Words had left him, so that was all what he got. “So fucking unfair!”

Tyler sat beside him. “Yes it is. But at least he’s still here.” 

To Jordie, Jamie _wasn’t. How can you be grateful when the only thing I have is anger_ , Jordie wanted to shout, but didn’t. He couldn’t because he feared that the answer would be _because I love him more._

***

It had been a stupid, stupid accident. A girl, barely eighteen, had tried to both drive and take a selfie at the same time, and crashed full on Jamie’s car, driver’s side. She had died on the scene. Jamie, in his bigger and safer car, had survived. 

Jamie had survived to almost die again at the hospital, to suffer from blood loss in his brain, to fell into a coma for four days, and only to lose himself and what he’d been. But still, it was better than nothing. Better than death. 

***

Sometimes Jamie smirked or made a gesture that was _exactly the same_ as it had been before, and for a second, it felt wonderful. For that second, the old Jamie was back. Afterward it felt even worse, because Tyler knew that it was just a fantasy. Jamie might accidentally echo his old self, but the person inside was different. Still the same man, generous and happy even, but fundamentally different. 

Tyler had taken a habit of coming to visit the Benns at mornings, even before Jamie got up. Jordie and Tyler would then leave for practice and Jamie either left with them for his day center, or someone would come to keep him company for the day. It was a good time to eat a healthy breakfast together, they said to Jamie. A good time for an adult company that really understood, they really meant.

"You know what Jamie did yesterday?" Jordie said, eating his protein cereal. "He'd come to his pants, so instead of just throwing them to laundry, he'd hid them under his bed. Not anything that I enjoyed finding." 

Tyler went silent. Jordie looked up to see Tyler's reaction. "C'mon, it's funny." 

And then Jordie rushed up and grabbed Tyler up from his shirt because that deer-in-the-headlights look in his face could mean only one thing.

"Tyler what the fuck did you do?!" Jordie grabbed Tyler's shoulders with both hands and shook him. "You fucker, tell me what you did to Jamie before I kill you."

"It's not what you think! It was an accident!" 

And Tyler told what had happened. They had been watching television, some stupid nature program. Tyler had sat on the couch and Jamie had sat on the floor between his legs. Tyler had petted Jamie's hair, wanting to get the big guy to relax. Jamie's hair was getting longer again. "We should get your hair cut. Or maybe you'd want to grow it longer, hm?" 

Jamie hadn't answered, but just stared ahead.

"Jamie?" 

Jamie had made a shuddering, needy sound and turned to face Tyler, then climbing on top of him on the couch and pushing Tyler down, to lay on the soft cushion underneath him.

"Kiss me," Jamie had said, and Tyler had. He'd kissed him and it had felt wonderful, like coming home. Tyler had laughed and it was just so good. Until he'd noticed that Jamie hadn't laughed, or even kissed after that first one, but just sort of laid there on top of Tyler, breathing like a freight train and urgently rutting his sweat pants clothed crotch against Tyler's jeans' covered one. 

"Jamie, you'd better... Stop." 

Jamie hadn't. Tyler had laid on his back, being crushed by Jamie and his utter disappointment, while Jamie finished.

Afterwards Jamie hadn't known what to do. Tyler had wiggled away so he hadn’t been under Jamie anymore, and petted the other man's face. 

"It's okay," Tyler had said, but there had been tears running down his face when he'd said it, and Jamie knew what tears meant. 

Tyler didn't tell Jordie about the tears. "I'm sorry but it was an accident. He's a grown man, his needs don't disappear even if we don't want to address them."

Jordie still looked like he'd want to rip Tyler's arms off. "He isn't emotionally mature enough. If it wasn't a big deal, why did he want to hide his pants, then? Is that something what a mature person would do?"

Tyler knew perfectly well that it was a sign of guilt. "You are right. It was... abusive." And he was a horrible asshole, but he couldn't just give this up. "But don't take him away, please don't. I promise it will never let it happen again."

Tyler took a moment to compose himself. Jordie used the time letting go of Tyler and taking a step backwards. 

"I... I forgot, Jordie. For a moment, I forgot. I won't forget again."

Jordie just nodded. He understood. Sometimes he forgot, too. Only that he didn't make any promises, because those fleeting moments when he forgot? _Those were the best._ But it was different being a brother instead of a former lover.

Tyler still needed to assure the other man. “I would never insinuate anything, and if he’d start something again, I would end it. I promise.”

But this wasn’t only about Tyler. Jamie was now a well over two hundred pound man that sometimes acted without thinking. “But could you end it? If Jamie would… Could you, really?” 

“Then I would let him. I don’t care.” 

Wrong answer. “Tyler…” They should get their shit together, and quick. Jamie could come downstairs at any moment. 

“I would and I could stop it, okay?”

Jordie wasn’t sure that he agreed, but he understood. He was just so tired. “Okay.”

***

It was three A.M. when it finally came, the message Tyler had somehow been waiting for a while now. It was a simple text message from Jordie: _Come here if you can._

Tyler took his overnight bag, messaged his dog sitter and headed to the Benns right away.

Their home was dark when Tyler arrived. Whatever the acute problem had been, it had been settled already. Or maybe Jordie had texted him only after.

“What was it?”

Jordie had something alcoholic in the glass in front of him. Tyler had thought that they’d got rid of all alcohol before Jamie moved in, but he guessed that Jordie had kept a stash. 

“YouTube. You know he has filters in his computer for sex and violence.”

Tyler nodded. Jamie’s computer was locked pretty tight, preventing him from downloading or purchasing anything or get a hold of any adult material.

“Didn’t stop him from watching all these documentaries of mutant animals and deformed Hiroshima babies in formaldehyde and old freak show people.”

Shit. Now Tyler wanted a glass of something strong, too. 

“So now he has woken up in panic twice tonight. It’s hard to get him to settle when he’s afraid that mutant babies will burn my face away while he sleeps, or shit like that.”

“So I guess it’s no internet without supervision from now on, huh?”

Jamie didn’t answer, but took another swing of his drink. It took him several minutes to start talking again. “I hate this. And sometimes I hate Jamie and I hate myself for it.”

Tyler wrapped his arms around Jordie. “But it’s okay to feel angry sometimes. We’ll figure out a way for you to let it out without hurting anyone, even you.”

“What I’m trying to say, maybe it wasn’t the best decision to take him in.”

Tyler looked at him, face to face. “But Jamie loves you. He loves living here, with you. What if you’d have a vacation from him for time to time, would that help? He could come to live with me, or something.”

“He hates change.” 

“True.” They both knew Jamie so well. They both had an understanding that no-one else had. “I could move in with you? I’m here almost every day anyway.” Tyler set his chin on Jordie’s shoulder. “Jamie loves Marshall and Cash.”

Jordie let out a wet chortle. “True.” 

Tyler again tightened his hold of Jordie, and then kissed him. 

Jamie kissed him back, sweet and gentle. After a while he pulled back, letting the kiss come to its natural end. He looked at Tyler, eyes gentle. “You know we can’t.”

Yes, Tyler knew it perfectly well. There was just too much baggage. They engaging in a relationship would always be, at some level, Tyler trying to replace Jamie. Letting Jamie see them would be cruel, as would be letting go of him so they could be together. Tyler knew they both wanted it, closeness with someone who truly understood, but he also knew that there was no structure for them to ever build anything lasting.

Now it was Jordie’s turn to assure Tyler. “You can move in if you want. Just without the other thing. We’ll make it work.”

Tyler gave a smile as his answer. He planted a quick final kiss somewhere in the corner of Jordie’s mouth, getting to feel more of his beard than his lips, and then he let the other man go.

He would help Jordie to let his anger go. Himself would let go of the old Jamie and learn to enjoy the new one. They would both help Jamie to reach his potential. All three of them would make it work. Because Tyler had a feeling that any one of them crashing would eventually leave none standing.

**Author's Note:**

> The fics deals with a person having a non-specific, unrecoverable brain injury. The persons taking care of him react to the situation in unhealthy ways, including depressive thoughts and possible unhealthy sexual relationships. The non-con tag comes from an adult letting a mentally challenged person engage him in a sexual act, and for the mentally challenged person not stopping while the other demands it.


End file.
